don't hate on code 8.

code 8 morality....

i love you girls to pieces.

today, folks....I'm grateful for my lovely religion class ladies.

Gratitude for this Bloggette of Mine.

I could apologize for not writing for a while, but I feel I would be apologizing to a fan club that has given up hope on my blogging, since I have not written in ages. And I don't blame you, whoever you are. So this is me not apologizing. Next.

There have been several excuses that have shoved me away from my blog, and my blog from me. Unfortunately, these "excuses" include busy-ness, laziness, and the excuse I despise most...nothing to blog about.

However, the inner-bloggette within me has been knocking--no--pounding at my mind's door, yearning to let some things out. "Fan club," I'd like you to meet the Lana-Bloggette. She wants to share a few things with you.

Gratitude has taken a deeper, more meaningful path for me since the new year [it's only been a couple weeks, I know]. See, President Henry B. Eyring, challenged us a few years ago to find something to be grateful for every. single. day. It is far from difficult, as several people, I hope, can imagine. I knew taking on this challenge would be worth it, but although it has only been a couple of weeks, my life has completely changed. The most difficult part in this challenge is finding room in my life to place all of the blessings that have been poured into it.

I have brought a separate challenge upon myself within this challenge: find something different to be grateful for everyday. Though I thank my Heavenly Father daily for the Famous, Repetitive F's (food, family, friends), I have tried to thank Him for something different each day, or if I do thank Him for one of the F's, I try to be as specific as possible. My gratitude for these things and people have been recorded. With this effort to record these, I have enjoyed searching for obscure, unnoticed things that I am so delighted to have in my life. For example...

January 2, 2011

I am grateful for nature and different cultures. It rained today, and I am so grateful for the rain. Our family watched "Dances with Wolves" last night and it made me so thankful for the beauty of the Native American culture. I love their unity with each other and with nature.

January 3, 2011

I am so grateful for cough drops. They soothed my cough a little bit, but they also just taste super good. I can't remember the last time I had a cough like this. But it's all good...because I have Halls' Tropical Blend cough drops. Mmmmmm. Yummo. :]

January 4. 2011

Today I am grateful for a comfy bed I can sleep in every night. Although not too much happened today, I'm super tired, and I am so glad I have a bed to return to at night. Nighty night.

Today, I am grateful I could let my thoughts out to play for a little.

But we'll be back.

A neophyte to reading the dictionary.

milquetoast: n a person who is timid or submissive

incorrigible: adj. not able to be corrected, reformed, or informed

palpable: adj. able to be touched or felt; tangible

aviary: n. an enclosed space for birds

jettison: v. to cast overboard, get rid of as unnecessary or burdensome

picayune: adj. of little value or importance, paltry, measly; concerned with trifling matters, small-minded

...use these words and you will be a juggernaut.

what's a juggernaut?

look the wordy word up, silly.

don't be lackadaisical.

shibboleth.

Feelings of the Gut.

Last night I tossed and turned as the fate of an epic and memorable milestone awaited for me in the morning.

My license.

As if my nerves weren't wracking my senses already, my allergies were acting up, and I had a nightmare my Marcky fell in love with someone else. A blonde chick I didn't recognize who he wrapped his arms around and cradled, like he always did to me.

I woke up relieved it was just a dream, but my nerves still took control of me as I prayed and tried to mentally prepare for this test. As much as I tried to plea with Heavenly Father to help me pass this test, I had a gut feeling I wouldn't pass. It was a feeling I almost refused to feel, but of course I tried to keep my mind open to the inevitable. On the long car ride there, my new friend/ quintessential Italian grandpa driving instructor talked about his sons and daughter and grandkids. He made me feel really comfortable. "Hey! I can do this!" repeated in my mind continuously as I thought of all the wretched times Daddy made me drive home from school through Philly in traffic. A simple figure eight course seemed like it should be a breeze.

but that gut feeling of failure was still in me.

We finally arrived to the course after a long car ride of hearing Grandpa Larry's family tree and hearty, raspy laughing. We were the first ones there, meaning I would be the first one to drive the course, and everyone would watch and follow my lead. I strapped in the driver's seat, said another prayer, felt confident, and I imagined Marcus sitting in the seat next to me, encouraging me as he always does. I smiled. I started the car, put it in drive, and drove. I coasted along the course, stopped at all the stop signs, parallel parked perfectly, K turned, and drove back to the beginning. I was confident. I looked to the instructor, waiting for his commentary and the news I'd been waiting for for months, if not years.

"We're gonna have you come back, sweetheart. You forgot your blinker on your K turn, and heaven forbid you get hit by someone who doesn't see your blinker. Call us whenever you're ready for your next appointment."

A blinker kept me away from success.

A small and swift motion of my left hand. That's it.

I got out of the car, handed the keys to the next girl, and tried to keep the tears from pouring out. Grandpa Larry came and patted me on the back like he would to his own children, saying I would be okay. I think he made a joke because he started cracking up, but I was in another world.

Part of me was asking why this would happen to me, but I knew that I knew it was coming. So I did the only thing I could. I smiled.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not happy and it's been a day full of leisure to make me feel better. I came home, watched Finding Nemo, Carina brought one of her home videos over to watch, I took a nap, and I've been reading for hours. I'm already feeling okay. I'm grateful, more than anything. Heavenly Father warned me with that gut feeling. Perhaps it was the Spirit, but all I know is that nothing else could have prepared me better than that feeling I had throughout the night and this morning. As strange it may sound, it felt good to fail. It reminded me that I need failure every once in a while, and He's testing me to see how I handle it. I could've handled it a little better, but there's always room for improvement.

And there's ALWAYS a bright side.

Besides, it's not like Marcus is wrapping his arms around an unknown babe from my dreams.

Be thou Humble

There is so much in store, I'm not quite sure what to focus on at the moment.

What is a blog, anyway?

I'm never quite sure what I should and shouldn't reveal about my personal life and thoughts. Sometimes I use it just as a gateway to better writing.

I am beyond excited for the coming school year. I can't wait to learn more about writing and what I can do to improve. I miss being able to exercise my writing skills on a regular basis. I feel like my edge has been sanded down when it should be sharp.

The school year also forces me to work on my time management, which is in desperate need. Granted, I don't have too much to manage nowadays, but the homework and activities will give me something to manage. Preparation for life on my own.

Whenever I sit down to blog, I have a topic in mind that I want to write about, but that topic diverges into a million different thoughts. Then I find myself pressing the "enter" key to start a brand new paragraph every couple sentences.

There I go again.

My heart and mind are in several different places.

Girls camp.

my bedroom.

Idaho.

Treybo.

It's extremely hard to keep my heart and mind balanced. I'm trying so hard to be good, and to choose to feel positive when the situations and people that call are making it difficult. But that's why the prayers I pray strengthen me. I need these people and these situations to be edified and strengthened. Heavenly Father loves me.

So I guess I just use my blog to vent to myself. To release thoughts and feelings into writing so I can better myself. Is that selfish?

D&C 112:10

Be thou humble, and the Lord shall lead thee by the hand.

a beautiful mess

There's a slew of things on my mind, yet there isn't. so we'll see how this blog goes.

I really didn't want to mention too much about the missionary I'm in love with in Idaho, but since I've barely done anything the past couple of days, he occupies my mind every moment it's idle. And then I hit play.

My heart ached for the first time in Rome.

Truly, irresistibly, unforgettably ached.

Strolling through the universally romantic city on the planet, I should've expected it.

My apologies to you readers who may have read my blogs and are probably sick of reading about him, but then again I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to talk about him.

Forgive me.

My relationship with the Savior has been particularly special lately. He's answered a myriad of my prayers, and it blows me away every time. I've become more thankful, appreciative, and contemplative about the world and what's really important.

I'm cleaning myself up little by little and in sections. My spirituality is one, my body another, and my interests, even. I feel my interests for a majority of my life have been based on what others may think, whether if they would approve or not. Sometimes it was negative, but other times it was actually a positive method. Asking myself, "what would he/she do?" and solve a problem righteously. As I've grown up [I still am] I've gathered the good things from good people and put them in a pot of righteous soup. After eating it, these good habits have become a part of me. I observe what people do and learn to apply these things to my life.

However, every once in a while there's a bad vegetable that gets in the pot of soup, and I'll partake of that too. Then it'll make me sick, and my cure varies. That's how my relationship with the Savior has been strengthened. He heals me. So does the sacrament. and friends. and mom. and dad. and brothers. and a little Chinese girl named Marielle, who sings taylor swift and preschool songs to me.

A snag visits me now and again when I feel the pain of mistakes I've made in the past. It hurts sometimes, but then I remind myself I'm not the one bringing those thought back into my life.

As much as I love my life now, I miss my childhood days terribly. I miss my brothers at home, as we would all argue with each other, but then come to each other's rescue. We were all superheroes. I miss those car rides of us laughing and teasing Mom and Dad while they were in the other car next to us on the way to a party. Now we're all grown up, and I wonder if that means we can't be superheroes the way we were. We still save each other, but since we're older we can't wear capes. I miss those capes. The trampoline is gone from our backyard like our childhood.

Mom teaches me mommy things to know in the future. Some things are easy to understand, but others are more difficult. I try my best to perform these things gracefully like a lady should, but I've discovered for most of these feats, it's like I'm picking up trash in a dress.

that's all for now, folks. keep prayin.

some natural foreshadowing.

orchids.

white and green orchids will be at my wedding.

perhaps some hydrangeas.

but definitely orchids.

love.

stay tuned..

i know i haven't written in ages.