Feelings of the Gut.

Last night I tossed and turned as the fate of an epic and memorable milestone awaited for me in the morning.

My license.

As if my nerves weren't wracking my senses already, my allergies were acting up, and I had a nightmare my Marcky fell in love with someone else. A blonde chick I didn't recognize who he wrapped his arms around and cradled, like he always did to me.

I woke up relieved it was just a dream, but my nerves still took control of me as I prayed and tried to mentally prepare for this test. As much as I tried to plea with Heavenly Father to help me pass this test, I had a gut feeling I wouldn't pass. It was a feeling I almost refused to feel, but of course I tried to keep my mind open to the inevitable. On the long car ride there, my new friend/ quintessential Italian grandpa driving instructor talked about his sons and daughter and grandkids. He made me feel really comfortable. "Hey! I can do this!" repeated in my mind continuously as I thought of all the wretched times Daddy made me drive home from school through Philly in traffic. A simple figure eight course seemed like it should be a breeze.

but that gut feeling of failure was still in me.

We finally arrived to the course after a long car ride of hearing Grandpa Larry's family tree and hearty, raspy laughing. We were the first ones there, meaning I would be the first one to drive the course, and everyone would watch and follow my lead. I strapped in the driver's seat, said another prayer, felt confident, and I imagined Marcus sitting in the seat next to me, encouraging me as he always does. I smiled. I started the car, put it in drive, and drove. I coasted along the course, stopped at all the stop signs, parallel parked perfectly, K turned, and drove back to the beginning. I was confident. I looked to the instructor, waiting for his commentary and the news I'd been waiting for for months, if not years.

"We're gonna have you come back, sweetheart. You forgot your blinker on your K turn, and heaven forbid you get hit by someone who doesn't see your blinker. Call us whenever you're ready for your next appointment."

A blinker kept me away from success.

A small and swift motion of my left hand. That's it.

I got out of the car, handed the keys to the next girl, and tried to keep the tears from pouring out. Grandpa Larry came and patted me on the back like he would to his own children, saying I would be okay. I think he made a joke because he started cracking up, but I was in another world.

Part of me was asking why this would happen to me, but I knew that I knew it was coming. So I did the only thing I could. I smiled.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not happy and it's been a day full of leisure to make me feel better. I came home, watched Finding Nemo, Carina brought one of her home videos over to watch, I took a nap, and I've been reading for hours. I'm already feeling okay. I'm grateful, more than anything. Heavenly Father warned me with that gut feeling. Perhaps it was the Spirit, but all I know is that nothing else could have prepared me better than that feeling I had throughout the night and this morning. As strange it may sound, it felt good to fail. It reminded me that I need failure every once in a while, and He's testing me to see how I handle it. I could've handled it a little better, but there's always room for improvement.

And there's ALWAYS a bright side.

Besides, it's not like Marcus is wrapping his arms around an unknown babe from my dreams.

Be thou Humble

There is so much in store, I'm not quite sure what to focus on at the moment.

What is a blog, anyway?

I'm never quite sure what I should and shouldn't reveal about my personal life and thoughts. Sometimes I use it just as a gateway to better writing.

I am beyond excited for the coming school year. I can't wait to learn more about writing and what I can do to improve. I miss being able to exercise my writing skills on a regular basis. I feel like my edge has been sanded down when it should be sharp.

The school year also forces me to work on my time management, which is in desperate need. Granted, I don't have too much to manage nowadays, but the homework and activities will give me something to manage. Preparation for life on my own.

Whenever I sit down to blog, I have a topic in mind that I want to write about, but that topic diverges into a million different thoughts. Then I find myself pressing the "enter" key to start a brand new paragraph every couple sentences.

There I go again.

My heart and mind are in several different places.

Girls camp.

my bedroom.

Idaho.

Treybo.

It's extremely hard to keep my heart and mind balanced. I'm trying so hard to be good, and to choose to feel positive when the situations and people that call are making it difficult. But that's why the prayers I pray strengthen me. I need these people and these situations to be edified and strengthened. Heavenly Father loves me.

So I guess I just use my blog to vent to myself. To release thoughts and feelings into writing so I can better myself. Is that selfish?

D&C 112:10

Be thou humble, and the Lord shall lead thee by the hand.

a beautiful mess

There's a slew of things on my mind, yet there isn't. so we'll see how this blog goes.

I really didn't want to mention too much about the missionary I'm in love with in Idaho, but since I've barely done anything the past couple of days, he occupies my mind every moment it's idle. And then I hit play.

My heart ached for the first time in Rome.

Truly, irresistibly, unforgettably ached.

Strolling through the universally romantic city on the planet, I should've expected it.

My apologies to you readers who may have read my blogs and are probably sick of reading about him, but then again I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to talk about him.

Forgive me.

My relationship with the Savior has been particularly special lately. He's answered a myriad of my prayers, and it blows me away every time. I've become more thankful, appreciative, and contemplative about the world and what's really important.

I'm cleaning myself up little by little and in sections. My spirituality is one, my body another, and my interests, even. I feel my interests for a majority of my life have been based on what others may think, whether if they would approve or not. Sometimes it was negative, but other times it was actually a positive method. Asking myself, "what would he/she do?" and solve a problem righteously. As I've grown up [I still am] I've gathered the good things from good people and put them in a pot of righteous soup. After eating it, these good habits have become a part of me. I observe what people do and learn to apply these things to my life.

However, every once in a while there's a bad vegetable that gets in the pot of soup, and I'll partake of that too. Then it'll make me sick, and my cure varies. That's how my relationship with the Savior has been strengthened. He heals me. So does the sacrament. and friends. and mom. and dad. and brothers. and a little Chinese girl named Marielle, who sings taylor swift and preschool songs to me.

A snag visits me now and again when I feel the pain of mistakes I've made in the past. It hurts sometimes, but then I remind myself I'm not the one bringing those thought back into my life.

As much as I love my life now, I miss my childhood days terribly. I miss my brothers at home, as we would all argue with each other, but then come to each other's rescue. We were all superheroes. I miss those car rides of us laughing and teasing Mom and Dad while they were in the other car next to us on the way to a party. Now we're all grown up, and I wonder if that means we can't be superheroes the way we were. We still save each other, but since we're older we can't wear capes. I miss those capes. The trampoline is gone from our backyard like our childhood.

Mom teaches me mommy things to know in the future. Some things are easy to understand, but others are more difficult. I try my best to perform these things gracefully like a lady should, but I've discovered for most of these feats, it's like I'm picking up trash in a dress.

that's all for now, folks. keep prayin.

some natural foreshadowing.

orchids.

white and green orchids will be at my wedding.

perhaps some hydrangeas.

but definitely orchids.

love.

stay tuned..

i know i haven't written in ages.

nerdy.geeky.dorky.

there are so many different places and things to write, and although it's quarter to midnight, and I have school tomorrow, I choose to write on my blog.

Tomorrow is my last day of classes. I've been through and I've learned so much this year. Not just academically, but in my life. I had my biggest pitfall, and I'm still in the process of pulling myself out of that deep hole. but it's safe to say that my fingertips are on the brim of that hole. and I know that once I'm out of it, I'm going to keep learning more about life, myself, and academics.

by the way, i love school.

Exams and painful work aside, I absolutely love learning. and I love learning in an all girls school. I love getting my summer reading list, even if I don't finish all of the required reading. I love learning and understanding concepts that I can use in life, even if it's only one time. I love writing papers. I love learning ways to write and the history of the country and world. I love learning the roots of words and reasoning behind the meanings of English words in Latin. I feel like I'm being taken back to the Roman empire where people would enjoy someone reciting verses of Cicero at a party. Sometimes I wish that was still active today. I love having class discussions and debates in religion class. I love having my faith put to the test. I've never felt so much growth in myself in just a forty-minute class period. I love learning about the body and its functions. I love being pushed in school, to force myself to know information that will help me in the future.

as much as I love summer, I'm ready for school next fall. I'm actually excited.

Am I a dork?

if a dork is simply someone who enjoys learning in school, then...

chyeah.

very much so.

distance and time: alicia keys

"no matter how far you are

no matter how long it takes him

through distance and time

I'll be waiting."

hmph.

dreamy.

Mila

came across this little number in the archives of the computer.

this is the essay i submitted to merion as a part of my application.

the question was to describe an experience that changed my life.

..also it's been raining and storming all day. smiles to extremes.

..speaking of smiles to extremes...skyped with lj and kaylie in hong kong today.

:D

Summer of 2007 will never escape my mind. Boarding the plane from Hawaii to Tonga was not the only adventure I was in for as my family and me soared over endless blue seas to the islands of my heritage. As the miniscule plane came to a turbulent stop on a dirt runway, the humble circumstances of the Tongan islands became evident instantly. No matter how much Dad tried to prepare us kids for the cultural experiences we would have, he would never be able to foreshadow the unforgettable memory waiting for me.

Her name is Naemila. She told me to call her Mila in her broken English. Riding in the bed of a rusty pickup truck to my uncle’s tiny worn-down home, I met Mila at the doorstep as she took our bags. The next morning, I woke up to Mila motioning me to come with her to somewhere I did not know, and my parents were surprisingly excited for me to leave with someone practically a stranger. Mila and I walked for miles to beautiful beaches unknown to earth. We picked up breakfast from a cousin of hers who was climbing trees and gathering coconuts as a part of his daily routine. We walked to a beach with a colossal cave that looked out to the vast ocean and horizon. As we gazed at the skyline I realized how small I was compared to the world. Mila expressed to me how thankful she was to have a friend like me, a friend who could barely understand her English, yet know her intentions to be a daughter of God. Mila was very religious, and knew how fortunate she was to have what she did, which was very little. She and I spent everyday together as she showed me the paradise in which she lived. I learned that paradise for her was food, clothing, and a place to sleep, and obtaining happiness only took a glance at the horizon.