BUTTERFLIES.

current status:

hands won't stop shaking as I type.

So there I was.

Washing my hands in school.

When my phone vibrates in my pocket.

Dry hands.

Message received from: Marcus.

"Its here lana. Its here. And im going crazy !"

and thats when the shaking started.

one hour.

just one hour.

We'll know.

L;MIAV;RNV;AJRSI;VJAMLJGOI;RFJIOS;IFJOGLNARILUV;OROILVOI;ASLJOIRAFJLASRINVAO;ULFJNO;IAJASFKLAJSF

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

breathing.

I

am

curious

wondering

dreaming

happy

sleepy

anxious

smiling

EXCITED

trying

soothed

wishing

breathing.

inhale.

exhale.

Following.

Don't make it hard.
Make your life easy and happy.
All you have to do is
"Choose This Day."

Paying respects. With the tears.

“Comfortable” by John Mayer played on my iPod as I sat and watched. I don’t even know them. They gave their goodbyes to their beloved boy dressed in army green. It had to have been a goodbye for a very, very long time. Perhaps until the next life. I walked to my gate, and the first sight I saw was the beautiful wife being cradled by her heroic husband. Daughter on lap. Wet cheeks. Puffy eyes. Holding hands. Saying nothing.

The little girl was strikingly beautiful. She had to have been four or five years old, with dark skin, curly pigtails, and these bright green eyes, glassy from ongoing tears. I don’t know how much her parents talked about her father’s heart-wrenching departure prior to the airport, for I overheard the mother trying to explain why he may not be coming back. “But why, Mommy? Daddy, why won’t you come back?”

Daddy kissed his little girl. And cried.

Two more people showed up to say goodbye. It had to be his mother and brother. They looked just like him. The mother held his daughter, and everyone’s tears flowed.

Never was an announcement to board a plane so emotional. The employees simply reacted to the announcement by sluggishly attending their duties. Flyers reacted by trying to cut and butt in line. But there they stood. Four loved ones saying goodbye.

Brother hug brother.

Son hug mother.

Father hug daughter.

Husband hug wife.

The future holds so many questions.

Will he return home?

Will the wife fall in love again?
Will the daughter ever have another father figure?
Will the family grow stronger? Or become crippled?
Will the daughter have a father to dance with at her wedding?

With my head down, walking behind the soldier, I kept my eyes on the back of his feet, slowly putting one in front of the other. I heard him quivering as he took in a deep breath. He didn’t look back. I peeked over my shoulder to see the abandoned family at the edge of the gate. They stood as a pack

watching

Watching

Watching.

As I walked down the aisle to my seat, my heart was on fire, pounding and pumping blood through my whole body as I fast-forwarded the scene I had just witnessed in my head. My tears were on their knees begging to come streaming to my face, but I did all I could to keep them from showing. When I took my seat by the window, I glanced outside and saw the family the soldier had just left. Pressed against the glass at the gate, the daughter was waving her miniscule hands, using all of her energy to catch her dad’s attention. Her mother stood behind her, leaning forward on a chair, squinting to find her loved one in one of the airplane’s windows. It must have been easy to locate where he was because within a moment she motioned for his mother and brother. Without hesitation, the whole clan was against the glass in perfect view of their soldier. The aircraft slowly began to pull out of the gate. I could not see him or his reaction, but the women were continuously waving and wiping tears as his brother sat with his fist in the air, honoring his brother.

And I cried.

I don’t know his name.

But he’s my hero.

To the men and women fighting for our country. God bless you and your families. Forever.

untitled.

today was supposed to be dedicated to homework and papers. but for the first time in a long time, i dedicated my day to sleeping. and watching. and listening. and thinking. mostly thinking.

if this happened any other day, I might have said the day was wasted, with me doing nothing..nothing meaning i thought about zippering open the bookbag, but it just didnt happen. but today was almost like a summer day...not weather-wise, of course, rather the relaxation part. I woke up at ten and helped mom make a massive breakfast for the fam and the regulars at the house...david and bro rowley. I cut and peeled mangoes as mom and I talked. i felt like a mom, hanging out with mine. I think I may have even said some of those lame "mom" jokes. actually. no. I'd never do that.

another thought. I'm pretty sure I know what song I want to dance to with my dad at my wedding.

"Three Times A Lady"

by lionel.

lionel richie.

and another thought. i miss treybo to extremes. he was in my dream the other night. we were in utah, and i think we were at some rugby event because I just remember seeing all of his rugby teammates and buddies everywhere. and he and I played catch with the rugby ball. and he was cracking jokes with me like he always does. I actually woke up elated since I was able to remember his facial expressions and hear trey's voice and laugh so vividly. but it didn't take too long for me to start missing him again.

I've been in an extremely happy mood all day...for several reasons. One of them being the person I spoke to on the phone last night for 5 1/2 hours. marcus corbitt makes me so happy. it's funny, because there are all of these short random memories I have of seeing him or being with him or saying things to him when I was much much younger. but not until the past few months (especially summer) have I really gotten to know him. see, he's got this thing going on where he's sometimes hard to read, but what I can read from just simply being around him is how good he is. and it's easy to tell. it's also easy for me to WANT to be better when I spend time with him. I don't mean that I'm completely altering my personality and who I am for him to notice me. not at all. but I simply want to improve in different aspects, knowing I can always do and be better. and knowing that he makes me feel this way makes me realize why I love being around him so much. Our relationship is genuinely simple. we talk. we laugh. we see each other for a few days one month. and then we wait another. it's hard sometimes, but we manage. plus, to show how great of a guy he is, he's going on a mission. and he will undoubtedly be a stud missionary. so this one is to whomever will be learning the gospel from Elder Corbitt, wherever you are in the world within the next few months...consider yourself lucky. very, very lucky.

snuggle up.

next weekend can't come soon enough.

but...it's snowing!!

smiles.

Consider the Lilies.

I am far from perfect.

very.

very.

far.

but that's okay... cause though I've hidden it [my hope and need to be perfect] for way too long, I'm just realizing now that it's okay not to be perfect.

sure, i've said it close to a million times.

but I've never truly felt it the way I do now.

And I know I'll never be perfect.

I don't want to be perfect.

For the natural man, perfection is probably one of the only things in this life that is impossible. In the case of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, perfection may not be easy, but it is in their reach. That's why they're not the natural human. That's why I am. Because it's not in my reach. It's not meant to be.

The bounds I must exceed are here on earth. Perfection is held high in the sky, heaven even. It's only healthy for me to want and need to reach for it. But knowing I won't obtain it until another life isn't a good enough reason for me to give up. There's never a good reason to give up. Not even failure.

That's what I'm learning.

This is almost a milestone, for me...knowing I can handle these expectations. Yes, I've heard it, and probably said it a couple times in Sunday school, but this is the first time I've ever really felt this way, to this extent, at least.

So guess what, everybody.

I'm not perfect.

and I've never been happier.

:]